A few months ago, just before our winter break, on a day when I was feeling kind of bummed and unhappy with my present situation, Ryan and I were having a conversation.
He asked - "Are you proud of yourself for moving to Turkey?"
At the time, I wasn't really sure how to answer the question, I was too immersed in self-pity to try and put a positive spin on things.
So it goes.
But now, as my months in Bursa are coming to an end, I find myself evaluating my time here.
Am I "proud" of myself?
To a certain extent, yes.
I am proud of myself for leaving my comfort zone.
For going somewhere so far from what was familiar to me.
For embracing a new and different culture.
I loved our Christmas vacation.
Our day trips.
And I loved nearly every moment spent on Uludağ.
But, at the same time -- there are things I wish I had done differently.
I wish I had reached out more.
I am absurdly self-conscious about speaking Turkish.
I understand the language to a certain extent and my vocabulary is enough that I can communicate (however limited that communication may be) in most situations, but if I can avoid speaking it at any length, I do.
Probably because I am afraid that I will sound stupid, which is ridiculous and hypocritical coming from someone who has been teaching English to foreigners for the last (nearly) 6 months.
I should be the first to advocate for practicing foreign languages when you have the opportunity.
This silly insecurity of mine will help me to segue into my next "coulda, woulda, shoulda".
I wish I had been more independent.
I've relied on Ryan a lot since I've been in Turkey (bless his heart a thousand times over).
I don't know if it was because of my aforementioned self-consciousness when it came to the language or because of the way the culture treated me as a foreign woman or because I felt uncomfortable in my own skin.
Anyway, I feel like a lot of my free time in Bursa has been spent stressing (about work or money or work or my future... or work) and/or binge-watching my way through various TV series.
To be fair to myself, I would probably be doing a lot of the same things if I was working in America. But there is something about watching episode after episode of Game of Thrones on your couch half-way across the world that seems like more of a waste of time.
I also feel that I have been far too conscious, since the beginning, that my time in Turkey was limited. A fact that, I think, has negatively impacted my time here.
I didn't need to learn anything more than basic Turkish because when would I use Turkish again?
I didn't need to make friends because when would I see them again?
I didn't need to establish much of a routine here because I would be leaving in a few short months.
Etc, etc.
But, had I done all of these things, would I have been doing myself a favor?
Probably.
I know that you don't have to like every place you travel to.
And I will just say it -- Bursa, while probably a very nice place to visit for a few days (especially if you have friends or family here), is not the most interesting or international city to live in.
As is wont to happen, I fell into a bit of a routine here (regardless of whether it was the one that I would have chosen for myself, normally).
Work, eat, work, do yoga, work, watch an HBO series, work, go for a hike, drink tea, work, etc.
Today, as we finished up our second cup of coffee and made a plan for the day, Ryan and I looked at a list of good places to eat in Bursa on Trip Advisor.
Feeling tired of Pideli Köfte (crazy, I know), we found a cafe that sounded interesting and ventured out to a part of the city neither of us had been to before, only to have a really lovely afternoon eating pizza and drinking freshly pressed juices.
So, contrary to my previous statement, maybe Bursa does have some long-term charm, if you look for it. There's got to be a reason that it's the fourth biggest city in the country.
With each trip that I take, I learn something new about traveling. Something new about myself. And I am greatly looking forward to the next couple of legs of my journey that are uniquely mine to mold into whatever shape I want them to be.
