The past few weeks have been pretty emotionally, physically, and mentally draining.
Finally, on my rainy day off, with no concrete plans until 6:30pm, in the throws of menstruation, it seems to have all caught up with me.
I wouldn't even say that I'm sad per say; frustrated might be a better word.
Frustrated, anxious, tired, stir-crazy, emotional, self-pitying.
Not sad.
As I looked around, nursing a big cup of lukewarm coffee, I couldn't help but look at my old school pictures that line our living room.
The one from first grade really caught my eye.
I'm wearing this royal blue turtleneck dress, a black headband, and what can only be described as a dollar-store pearl necklace -- cheap, fake... first-grade chic?
Anyway, I am mid-giggle, looking a little goofy, but it's fine because I was six and it was cute.
I actually remember having that picture taken.
I sat down in the seat, the photographer positioned me correctly and told me where to look and then instead of doing the usual - "Smile for the camera!" - or - "Say cheese!" - he said --
"Say pickle!"
And my little six-year-old self thought it was the just funniest thing.
And that youthful moment of utter joy was captured forever -- developed, printed, purchased, framed, and placed on top of a tall white cabinet in my living room.
Immortalized innocence.
Talk about nostalgia.
I guess it's kind of cliche, but I kind of can't help looking at that little six-year-old and thinking - "If she only knew."
People let you down. The world is one big crapshoot. Money controls everything. You lose touch with people you love. The American healthcare system is FUCKED. You will absolutely have your heart broken. That knot in your stomach? There are times when it might feel like it will never go away. People will lie to you over and over again. No one is perfect. Time doesn't slow down for you. Death is a very real thing. At some point you will know what pure hatred feels like. Politics are not just about the president and which country is fighting with which country - politics are everywhere. And on a related note... Peace on Earth? Wishful thinking.
But I digress.
Of course no six-year-old has lived long enough to be aware of all of these things.
And I am glad that I was able to be so blissfully ignorant for such a long time.
This. Is. Life.
(inhale/exhale)
It can be so overwhelming.
But the silver lining is everywhere, you just have to look for it.
And sometimes it is harder to find than others.
Chocolate helps.
So does yoga.
Count your blessings.
Be mindful.
Pet your dog.
Go for a walk.
Hug your parents.
Talk to someone you love.
A couple of weeks ago, on a day when every muscle in my body ached with tension and every step I took was full of trepidation, someone I love very much told me to write about it.
I kind of brushed the idea away -- "I don't want to burden everyone with my problems."
But here I am, writing about it.
And I'm not crying anymore, so that's a step in the right direction.
In one of my favorite movies of all time, Kevin Spacey said:
"Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid life..."
Life is stupid and amazing.
You are experiencing life.
Take the bullshit in stride and always appreciate these moments of gratitude.
As always, thank you all for reading.
(Truly.)
